why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
