my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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