Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize