My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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