My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize