Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
