never play flip cup with pint glasses
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
