ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
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