sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize