I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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