i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
