Betty ford says i'm here all night
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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