i just google imaged poop.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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