you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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