note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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