who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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