he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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