so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
