There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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