it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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