Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
