you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
