There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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