you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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