Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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