Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
