You're a womanizer and a bitch.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
