my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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