You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
