I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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