we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize