there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize