Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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