Redeem this text for a blowjob
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
