3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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