MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i drank out of a bidet.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize