wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
