I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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