When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
