I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
tell me about the fingering
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