If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
