Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
