Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
