I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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