Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
