Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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