You really coming over, don't trick.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
