he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
where are you?
Hypothermia
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
