It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
