I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
