oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
