Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
