She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
