Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
