how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
