You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
