you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
