Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
