I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
